A man’s fulfilling his sexual desire with his wife may often happen as the result of stimulation, by looking or touching etc. Hence fulfilling his desire when it is provoked in such situations is a means of keeping himself chaste and lowering his gaze [from looking at other women].
This is what the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) taught us to do, according to the hadeeth narrated by Muslim (1403) from Jaabir, who says that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) saw a woman and he came to his wife Zaynab, whilst she was tanning a skin and preparing it for dyeing, and he fulfilled his need. Then he went out to his companions and said: “Woman comes and goes in the shape of a devil [i.e., she causes temptation], so if any one of you sees a woman, let him go and have intercourse with his wife, for that will take away what he feels in his heart.”
This was also narrated by Ahmad, 19403; Ibn Maajah, 1853.
Ibn Hibbaan narrated in his Saheeh, 4171, that ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Abi Awfa said: “The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: ‘No woman fulfils all her duties towards Allaah until she fulfils all her duties towards her husband. If he asks her [for his conjugal rights] even when she is on the back of a camel, she should respond to him.’”
The Marriage Base 
Salaam alaykom wa rahmatullah,
How can a wife speak to her husband about her dissatisfaction in their marital relations? He is an amazing husband but the only thing is that he does not know how to please his wife and he is always so busy working and therefore approaches her once in every 1 to 2 weeks and it is a big issue for her as she has a strong urge for intimacy. She falls into sin because of this and she hates it. She does not want to hurt his feelings but he is hurting hers and causing her destruction due to the sin she commits. I hope that this issue would be talked about more by the imams and mashaaikh, everyone has something to say about the curse on the wife for not fulfilling the rights of the husband but very little to say about the husbands who fail to fulfill the rights of the wife.
Wa ‘alaykum as-salaam,
Firstly, a sister needs to be open and honest about her feelings she has in this regard. However hikmah needs to be shown here, so speaking to him when he’s in a light mood and his mind is free, not when he is stressed out, tired, or has just come through the door.
Secondly, if/when a woman desires intimacy, she just has use the right technique and approach him using the powers of seduction that she knows works best for her husband. Every man is different in what excites him, but generally speaking, its what pleases the eyes that men usually fall for, hence why women are ordered to cover up and men are ordered to lower their gaze. As Allaah knows that men get excited by what they see, so a intelligent woman needs to realise this. Also, a soft touch, a sweet tone, romantic words. Every man loves a woman who is sensible but has a pinch of naughtiness in her. If you know what a man desires then use this to excite his desires and if he avoids freemixing, he will fall easily.
Thirdly, yes da’ees need to talk about this, I have posted something up in my other blog about this. Ok read this for more info: http://ibnutaymiyyah.wordpress.com/2013/07/01/the-harm-of-avoiding-sexual-relations-with-ones-wife/. SO scholars of the past have spoken about it, but I guess stuff like this^ needs to b pushed out over the net more iA.
Fourthly, I guess men need to realise that women also have desires as they do. I’ve wrote about this in an article not too long ago. Read points 9, 14, 15 & 16 (although mainly discussed in point 15) in this article: http://theauthenticbase.wordpress.com/2013/04/25/concise-advice-to-husbands/. So yes more awareness needs to be given to such a topic.
Fifthly, for a woman in such a scenario, she needs to be open and honest with the husband without hurting his feelings or offending his manhood. As telling a man he cannot satisfy his wife sexually could be seen as an insult to his manhood. So its a delicate topic which needs to be addressed with wisdom. There is quality and there is quantity. Telling a man his quality is not of a high standard will no doubt be an insult to his manhood, but f however its just about increasing the quantity (rather than the quality) then its not really an insult on his manhood. But still a wife needs to approach the topic with wisdom. In the meantime however, she needs to fast, as advised to us by our teacher (saw).
Sixthly, when speaking to the husband, its best not to mention the “sins” which she has fallen into, but rather just ask for an increase in the quantity (if the above mentioned “techniques” in point 2 don’t work), if that does not work then she can speak to him about how she wants an increase in the quantity, if still this does not work, then she can speak about how she “may” fall into sin, but do not throw the whole baggage on him in the first “conversation” as he may not know this is having an ill effect on the wife.
Hope this has answered your q iA…
Wassalaamu ‘alaykum
Wa alaykom as salaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,
Every point was written wisely, may Allah only increase you in wisdom.
Ameen.
And if I can just add; even if such a sister is in such a situation where the husband is seriously lacking in quantity and/or quality, then we remind the sister of those less fortunate than her. From the prophetic advice is for us to look at those less fortunate than ourselves. And a sister in such a situation needs to contemplate about those who are not married, or even worse those who are divorced (as they have experienced it and have a stronger urge for it, yet do not have any halal avenue for release). So she should praise Allaah for at least having a halal avenue and release, even if it is not that good, but something is better than nothing. There are many sisters who get divorced at a young age, who have a strong urge yet no halal avenue. At least the sister in the situation you described has something (even though its not much).
Yes such a sister (in the situation you described) *may* get more stressed as the halal is in front of her yet she is not allowed it. And how sad that she dies of thirst when water is in front of her. Sad indeed.
But know that no one is living a perfect life. The single’s are stressed because they have no halal avenue, the divorced get stressed because they have a stronger urge yet no halal avenue whatsoever, and the married get stressed because of a lack of quality and/or quantity… or because the halal is there for them yet they are being deprived of it. It may be argued that the married person who is lacking quality and/or quantity is the worst off, and this may be true, yet still try to think of those in other situations and iA this will ease the stress iA.
Another thing I wanted to add is that, although such and such technique may be effective in seducing the husband and bringing him down, such techniques, when used over and over again, without no other technique used, will lose its effectiveness. A strawberry cake is delicious, but if a person has a strawberry cake everyday, they will become bored of it. So a sister needs to use a variety of techniques and realise that using the same technique again and again will cause boredom.
Sorry for being a little open, but Allaah is not shy of the truth.
Will add something more if/when something comes to mind iA.
Wassalaamu ‘alaykum
MashaAllah, that is very good advice. Can I post this answer in my blog?
Assalaamu ‘alaykum,
Yes sure, no problem… Feel free inshaaAllaah…
Wassalaamu ‘alaykum
Assalaamu ‘alaykum,
I know the question has been answered, but I would like to add a few points iA:
1) I was on the MuslimMatters website and came across this article: http://muslimmatters.org/2013/05/03/vignettes-on-female-sexuality/
Its four pages long and well worth the read mA. Brothers, whether you’re single or married, this article is also a must read for you. Please do not see this as women “complaining”, as its just a natural urge that many women have, and unfortunately many men tend to ignore.
2) Another piece of advice to sisters would be to read up on which foods increase one’s appetite for intimacy, and to feed one’s husband with such foods. The following article lists some of the foods that boosts one’s appetite for sex: http://www.allaboutyou.com/health/sex-life/the-diet-that-boosts-your-love-life-36781
So iA sisters should know about these foods and make lunch with such ingredients. However, and I stress this, care should be taken when browsing this website, as even reading up on some of the articles makes one in the mood for intimacy, so if one’s spouse is not at home, or is coming home very late, or if you know they are not regular in giving you YOUR RIGHT, then be careful in not going OTT in reading up on so many topics, as one’s hormones will just bubble up, the desire to be intimate will increase, but if one has a husband who is not regular in being intimate then, it could be quite stressful in not having a release. So wisdom is needed iA.
Having said this, read the above link, know the foods and cook your “love potion”! If you are not good at cooking new foods, then at least put them in front of him in a bowl as he’s sitting down surfing the net or reading a book (or sadly, watching tv!). As in such cases one tends to eat more than required. Once this is done, give it some time for the food to be digested into his system and proceed to step 4:
4) Know that men are “turned on” by three main ways. #1) By what they see in front of them, #2) by what he hears, e.g, hearing erotic things, whether linked to intimacy, foreplay, women’s body parts etc. #3) by physical contact.
As for #1, then wives need to dress up well for their husbands. You cannot expect the man to be attracted to you if you are dressed the same every day. A man walks out of the house and sees women everywhere, in shop windows, on billboards, on bus stations, even the receptionist at work! Women are everywhere. If he works in or near town then no doubt as he walks past shops, there would be at least 2 or 3 shops which have huge posters of women dressed half naked. And in all of this “competition”, you cannot afford to dress normally. Purchase new underwear and lingerie, don’t dress in your old clothes at home. Shyness is good, but shyness in front of your husband can kill his sexual appetite. So dress (or not!) to impress and iA he will melt in front of you.
As for #2 (by what he hears), then know that men love a woman who is modest but has a pinch of naughtiness in her. So speak about intimacy. Speak about his body parts, tell what you like about it. Speak about your wish to get new lingerie, and as him what colours he likes, ask him which of your lingerie you already have he likes best AND WHY. This (asking him why) will open up for him to also talk about intimacy and related issues, which will give him space to speak about it, and no doubt every man ever created loves to speak about intimacy and related issues. As he’s talking ask him further questions in a flirtatious manner. And when the two of you are flirting, as him if he is excited or if his circumcised part is erected. Touch or stroke it (gently!) in a “cute” and “cheeky” way to make sure he isn’t lying, and use this to flirt with him more. Also it is healthy to have games one plays during foreplay and as a part of intimacy.
There are many games which the husband and wife can play related to intimacy. Whether its seeing how long he can last looking at you without kissing you, whether its seeing how far out he can ejaculate while you stroke it. During menstruation such games can be very effective as intimacy is forbidden, so other ways of him ejaculating are needed. Comment on his ejaculation, for example the speed at which it is released, make cute little games where you “play” with each others private parts. These games will not only increase the love between the two of you, but it will (a) make sure the woman reaches climax more often, (b) it will make sex more fun, (c) it will give you things to talk about when you are trying to seduce him into being intimate with you. E.g, asking him how far he thinks he can “shoot” today. Asking him if “business” is “up” (referring to his circumcised part being erected) etc. The point here is to use words which just the two of you know. “Innocent” words, which, if anyone was listening, would not know what you’re referring to. If such such games and secret talk are used during intimacy and foreplay then, as said above, it will give you things to talk about when trying to seduce him. And no doubt, because these are “secret” words which just the two of you know, it adds spice to the excitement.
As for #3 (physical contact). Men get excited by a touch, a hug, a kiss etc. Find excuses to touch him. Whether its sitting on his lap, a gentle rub between his legs, anything. Even telling him you have an itch on your back, and lifting up your top from behind to let him scratch you and then after a few seconds, turning around to give him a thank you kiss. Find any excuse to touch him. Even if its a gentle slap on his thigh after he teases you, or even keeping you hand there while you talk to him.
Do these^ and iA the effects will be seen.
4) As a side note; there is a lot of valuable information on the following site about intimacy for both brothers and sisters iA: http://www.allaboutyou.com/archive/health/sex-life/0/10 There are many decent articles, which can, bi ‘ithnillaah, help to solve problems one has in bed with one’s spouse.
Brothers, to give your wife sexual satisfaction is one of the greatest achievements, and once done, makes you feel like a real man. Wouldn’t it be more pleasing to you having intimacy with your wife while she looks at you deep in your eyes, with passion and eager for you to carry on, rather than being intimate with her while she just lays there waiting for the “chore” to be completed? Read up on the above site and try to benefit as much as you can iA. and remember, the more exciting you make it, the more quicker she will rush to you when you call her to bed!
Also regarding foods, it is wise to know what also decreases one’s libido (sexual appetite) and to eat that yourself and make sure your husband stays far away from such foods. Only feed your spouse those foods which will in crease his libido, and iA that may create a balance in one’s life.
Also, it is illogical to assume that sexual harmony will be reached from early on in the marriage. Its a subject in and of itself which will require many tries to get it perfect. The tried and tested method will be used, many times it will be unsatisfying, but no couple would every have sexual harmony from day one.
wAllaahu a’lam, and Allaah knows best.
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