Fearing Allaah: A Recipe Of A Successful Marriage

Consciousness of Allaah (swt) is a constant realisation that Allaah is watching you and will call you to account for your actions. In marriage, nothing helps more than the presence of this consciousness in both partners to make it succeed, especially in the long term.

When one or both spouses lack Allaah-consciousness, there is a high chance that they might oppress their other half by undermining the latter’s due rights upon them. A lack of acute awareness that one is answerable to Allaah (swt) for causing any dissatisfaction or unhappiness to one’s spouse, knowingly or unknowingly, leads a person to strive to fulfil the rights of the latter upon them. This leads to marital harmony, especially if each spouse puts the other’s happiness before him/herself.

[Traversing The Highs And Lows Of Muslim Marriage, by Sadaf Farooqi, p. 174]

The First Night Together

Al-Qadee Abu Umiya married a woman, and when he entered upon her, he extended his hand to her forehead, and at that point she said:

“Hold on Abu Umiya. All praise belongs to Allaah, I praise Him, seek His aid, and I send prayers and peace upon Muhammad and those that follow him.

I am a strange woman to you. I don’t have any knowledge of your behaviour and mannerisms. So inform me of those things that you like so I can do them, and likewise tell me that which you dislike so I can avoid it.

It was possible for you to have married someone from your people, and likewise it was possible for me to marry someone from my people, but if Allaah decrees a mater then it is. So you have married, then do as Allaah commands you: “…either you retain her on reasonable terms or release her with kindness.” [2:229] I say this statement of mine and I seek Allaah’s forgiveness for me and you.”

So he (the husband) said, “So she moved me to a khutbah”. So he said:

“All praise belongs to Allaah, I praise Him, seek His aid, and I send prayers and peace upon Muhammad and those that follow him.

Indeed you have said words, that if you are firm upon them it will be your fortune, and if you leave them, they will be a proof against you. I love this and that; and I hate this and that. We are together, so don’t cause division between our families That which you see from good, spread it; and the bad you see, conceal it.”

So she said:

“There is something which I didn’t mention: Do you love that the family visits?”

He said:

“I don’t like that my sister-in-law’s husbands bore me.”

She said:

“Who from your neighbours do you like to enter your home, so I can give them permission? And who do you dislike, so I can prevent them from entering?”

He said:

“The children of so and so are pious people; and the children of so and so are evil.”

He then said:

“So I slept with blissful nights, and she lived with me for a year, and I didn’t see anything except that which I loved. At the beginning of the year I came from the judicial council, and when I arrived home, I saw an elderly woman giving orders around the house. So I said, “Who is this?” They said, “So and so, the woman who circumcised you.”

At that point I was no longer uneasy at her presence. So when I sat down, I faced toward the old woman. She said, “Assalaamu ‘alaykum yaa Abaa Umiya.” I said, “Wa ‘alaykum assalaam, who are you?” She said, “I’m the woman who circumcised you.” I said, “May Allaah make you close to Him.” She said, “What do you think about your wife?” I said, “She is a good wife.” So she said to me, “Ya Abaa Umiya, there are two conditions in which a woman is not worse than her: if she gives birth to a boy or is loved by her husband. So if a doubt comes to you, than it is upon you to discipline her. By Allaah, men have not removed a greater evil from their homes than a disrespectful women.”

So I said, “By Allaah, she has good manners, and is pleased with what she has been given.” She said, “Would you like for your two sisters to visit you?” I said, “Whenever they like.” “

He (the husband) then said:

“So she would visit me at the beginning of each year, advising me with this advice. So she (my wife) lived with me 20 years, and I didn’t criticize her over anything.”

[Al-‘Aqd Al-Fareed, 6/93-94]

This story exemplifies how many married couples should be the night of their marriage, each spouse informs the other about those things they like and dislike.

Advice To The Bride, By Dr. ‘Aasim Ibn ‘Abdullaah Al-Qaryuti

1) It is important that you immerse yourself in pursuit of whatever might please him and make him happy, since earning his love and achieving his favour are things that will lead to the continued happiness of both yourself and your family. Disobedience, raising your voice in his face, and rebuking his acts of goodness will only lead you into a state of loss.

2) You must not leave his home without his permission. If you have sought your husband’s permission to leave in order to visit one of your relatives, you must accept his opinion even if it does not seem fair and reasonable. If he does not approve this time, inshaaAllaah he will approve next time. There is no harm in discussing the issue so long as it occurs with etiquette and is done calmly.

3) If you feel in your heart that your husband has neglected one of your rights, it is important that you choose an appropriate time to discuss the issue. Your discussion of this matter should be gentle and good-natured and should not involve raising one’s voice. Your discussion should not involve emotional tension or intensity because this ultimately causes dissention and never brings about the intended results.

4) If you were careful to avoid whatever displeases Allaah and angers your husband and remain patient, then you have truly benefited because you have gained the pleasure of your Lord and your husband. This is the true success and peace of mind that will relieve both you and your husband. In fact, this will benefit your family, your parents, and the entire community.

Intimacy Advice [For Sisters]

“Never underestimate what a simple stroke, a gentle rub, or a soft kiss can do.”

Introduction: Biologically, men and women are both created with a need to fulfil their sexual desires, but one needs to understand that there is a difference in the need for men and women.

In all wisdom, Allah created men with an urge much stronger than women. Men are very visual by nature. Depending on where he lives, a man may build a physiological need for sex, about every 72 hours on average and longer for men who live further away from fitnah. Unfortunately, in the world we live in today, we are constantly surrounded by temptation – there is not a day that goes by that you do not stumble upon something of a sexual nature which makes men vulnerable to the calling of women.

When a man constantly feels a strong need for release, it is very hard for him to focus on the other very important aspects of intimacy like sweet words and foreplay, which are needed for a woman to feel sexually desirable.

Men are not to be blamed for their being very sexual by nature. It is just how Allah, in pure wisdom, created them.

A look, a touch, a feminine figure, words can all cause a man to feel a strong urge to release himself. And just like women, a man wants to feel desired. If you show him that you do not enjoy it, he starts to think you don’t love him and this causes him a great deal of stress. Intimacy is an act that releases a lot of stress from the man. When a man is stressed out, the best way for him to feel relaxed and forget all that which is on his mind, is for him to be intimate.

Delaying coming to him may anger him and can turn a pleasurable act to be a very stressful experience. During intimacy a man is at his peak of excitement, any sign of lack of enjoyment by the wife can be very dissatisfying and can cause anger within the husband. This dissatisfaction and anger, however, can reach heights as it is anger which manifests itself at a time when one is trying his hardest to enjoy a pleasurable act. So a smart wife realises this and avoids all the things which turns pleasure into distress.

I have split the causes of anger into three phases; before intimacy, during intimacy and after intimacy.

Before Intimacy: The narrations below are a clear sign that a woman is obliged to respond to the man’s call for intimacy without slackness. And there is much wisdom in this. The Messenger of Allaah (saw) said: “When a man calls his wife to him, then let her respond, even if she is at the oven (baking bread).“ [Saheeh Sunan al-Tirmidhi]

Delaying in responding to his call can cause the man stress. As stated above, being intimate is a means of expressing love and desire. Its a way of saying “I love you.” If the wife delays in responding, she is indirectly showing him that he is not so important and this also shows a lack of concern for his feelings. A man loves to give his wife pleasure through intimacy, and delaying coming to him is an indirect way of telling him he is not good at being intimate. At times he may not be so good at it, but delaying intimacy with him is not a solution to your problem. As a matter of fact, it makes it worse. Insulting a man about his ability to sexually satisfy his wife is from the biggest insults to his manhood.

To delay coming to him shows your lack of concern for him, and this causes much stress. Having intimacy with one’s wife if she responds quickly is at a far higher level of pleasure than having intimacy with her if she comes after some time. If you tell him you’re coming and he goes to the bedroom, then don’t let this seem like “the perfect opportunity” to go to the kitchen and quickly do a small chore like cut the potatoes or boil the water. Telling him your coming in a little while, in and of itself causes the man stress, and trying to enjoy being intimate with one’s wife after hearing such words kills the act. There is a great wisdom behind the words of the prophet (saw) “the angels will curse her until morning.” (1) for indeed the stress caused is enough to ruin a relationship, as what hurts more when your partner shows a lack of concern for you and your feelings?

The delay in responding to his requests is in fact a delay in releasing himself which makes him very vulnerable to the calling of women or haraam acts (Zina). And it is you, the wife, that may be the cause of him falling into the trap of shaytaan. And this is why the Prophet of Allah (saw) stressed the importance of women answering the call of their husbands immediately when he calls her and the reason for the curse of the Angels upon her as she may be the cause of her husband’s destruction by him being susceptible to major sins. The accessibility of porn and fornication is so easy, so don’t push him to it, by making his access to you so hard.

During Intimacy: When a man is being intimate with his wife, there is only one thing on his mind, and that is the actual act of entering her. A man has his full concentration on the act and is now at the peak of his excitement. The most pleasurable act for a man is being intimate with his wife, and so he expects his wife is also at the peak of her excitement. There are a few things, however, which women do which can kill the whole act and can turn a pleasurable act into a stressful one, and there is nothing more stressful when a pleasurable act turns stressful!

Among the things is when she starts to mention things totally unrelated to intimacy, for example what to cook today or why he never done this or that yesterday, or something related to another person, whoever they may be. Another thing which makes this act turn horrible is when the wife shows a lack of enjoyment or she sees it as a chore. Yes Islaam has obligated the wife to respond to the man’s call, but showing him your only doing it because its compulsory, or because you have to do it, or even treating it as a chore as any other chore can kill the whole act. A man is at the peak of enjoyment, and nothing kills this enjoyment more than a woman who is not also enjoying it with him. Where is the enjoyment if your husband took you out on a nice walk in the park or a boat ride or sat with you to watch the sunset while only doing it because he felt obliged to, or while on his phone at the same time? During intimacy, is mind is on intimacy and enjoying the act, nothing else!

Likewise, a wife should know what method pleases him, and she should not wait for him to ask her to use such methods. A wise woman know what pleases her husband and if its specific clothing, is always ready, and if its specific intimate acts, is keen to do them. It will cause the man stress and annoyance if he always has to remind the wife on what to do, or what not to do. Know your husband, and know what pleases him. Never underestimate a simple stroke or another kiss.

After Intimacy: Among the causes of stress which can occur after intimacy is when the wife rushes back to her household chores. Rushing to go back to doing what you were previously doing shows that you never enjoyed the act and how your mind was elsewhere during the act of intimacy. This just kills the act. A man enjoys being intimate with his wife and any signs of non-enjoyment from the wife causes the man stress and anger. By you going back to what you were previously doing before he called you, is you indirectly telling him that intimacy was just another chore from the household chores. It shows him your mind was not on during the act and you was only concerned with what you was doing before. So instead of leaving him, only leave after he leaves.

A man looses energy after ejaculating, however once the man ejaculates it does not mean he has had enough. Yes he loses his energy, and yes he may stop the specific act, however do not see this as the deed done and finished. Only leave after he leaves. Instead of going back to what you were previously doing, use this time to shower him with kisses, and try to get another round out of him, as this shows him you also enjoyed the act.

There is nothing wrong with sweet talking him or talking about intimacy or any bodily parts. A man loves a woman who has a pinch of naughtiness in her, and the right dose can do wonders in exciting the man. Do not be “boring” who just gives her body to her husband, but also be a part of the act as well. And again, once he has ejaculated and is out of energy, use this time to pamper him with kisses, and try to get another round out of him. Just because his energy level has dropped, it does not mean he no longer would enjoy the feeling and comfort. So use this time wisely, and no doubt, pleasing a man sexually and doing the act (and more) while he has no energy will make him feel like a king. Never underestimate what a simple stroke, a gentle rub, or a soft kiss can do. A soft stroke on his genitals does wonders in any scenario.

Showing him you also enjoyed the act increases his love for you, and showing him you did not enjoy the act (by the various ways explain above) causes him stress, anger and dissatisfaction. Indeed it is a way of planting a seed of hatred in his heart for you. And indeed, this will also cause him to avoid being intimate with his wife, something which will cause her and him harm in the long run.

Do Not Make Him Commit The Haraam: Some wives complain (and rightfully so) that their husbands watch pornographic movies or visit pornographic websites. This is haram and the husband needs to fear Allaah with regards to his actions. Yet with every sin, we try to look at the root cause of it. Porn is a multi-billion industry and is increasing every year. Porn offers men satisfaction of sexual desires with no stress, nagging or ‘delay’. Through porn a man has a quick satisfaction of desires without any hassle. Likewise, with women in clubs and women who sell their bodies on the streets, its a quick satisfaction of desires, where the man does not have to go through any headache or hassle of a woman who ‘nags’ or complains. It is “stress-free sex”.

My sisters, please do not make intimacy so stressful such that you literally force him to go to the haram. Your husband does not want that and nor do you. But if you complain how its to regular, if you’re slow to respond to him, do not dress up for him, or make a hassle of the act, then you are indirectly telling him to go to the haram. Due to the actions of some wives, men end up getting a lot of stress out of, what should be, a pleasurable act. When a man wishes to be intimate, he wants nothing more than a fun pleasurable time with his wife. Even asking the wife to dress up more beautiful, or advising her on how (or how not) to do the act, can be stressful, as every woman should know how to bring  her husband pleasure.

And when a simple act of intimacy ends up disastrous, the satisfaction the man was looking for is no longer met, and when a man is not sexually satisfied with his wife, its very hard to stay within halal boundaries. Yes the man needs to fear Allaah and not commit the haram, but the wife also shoulders some responsibility if she is the root cause which pushes him to the haram. So give him what he wants, and more, and know what things cause a man to get stressed during intimacy, so even the thought of going to the haram does not cross his mind. Pornography offers a man stress-free sex, so don’t push him to the haraam.

Importance Of Being Intimate With Him: A man dodges all the fitnah of women when he’s out the house. As soon as he goes work, he’s bombarded with ‘beautiful’ women everywhere; from the woman on the huge billboards on the motorway, to the lady who walked in front of him on the zebra crossing, to the young receptionist at work, to all the women who pop up on his screen via adverts when he’s online, not to mention the huge banners on shop windows displaying half naked topless women! Women are everywhere. He dodges all this, and then finally comes home desiring his wife. So when he comes home, don’t jump on him with all the nagging as soon as he enters the door. Instead, dress up, don’t be shy to wear anything sexy, wear what he likes to see you wearing, maybe stand a particular way as he walks towards you and let him feel at ease. Don’t blame him for being so eager for intimacy all the time. Its the culture we live in, a man cannot do anything or go anywhere without having beautiful women surround him. Brothers always complain how their wives don’t understand their ‘needs’. The main reason why many brothers go polygamous is because of this^, their wives either do not understand the man’s need for sexual relations, or they are slow in responding. It is only an intelligent woman realises her husband’s needs.

During Menstruation: During menstruation a man is permitted to enjoy his wife’s body without insertion. The wives of the Prophet report how they used to come to him while only covering what is between the navel and the knee. When was the last time you did this for your husband? When a man calls his wife to bed, she must respond to the call, and if she is menstruating the respond of the call stays obligatory. Just because you are menstruating it does not mean you are not obliged to respond to his call. the only obligation which is dropped is allowing him to enter inside of you.

During menstruation, a man may call his wife, and in such scenarios, a woman can help the man to ejaculate in various other ways (besides intimacy). Just because you are menstruating, do not take the matter of responding in a hurry lightly. It is perfectly halal for the wife to use her hand to help the man ejaculate. Do not show signs of dissatisfaction of the ‘mess’ after ejaculation. Indeed a wise woman would just keep a few tissues nearby which she will use to wipe away any mess. But do not do this as soon as the man ejaculates, e.g., turning your back to him while reaching for the tissues, or going across the room to get the tissues. Either its in your pocket, under you pillow, or a near place, in which case proceed, or leave it for a while.

As explained above, just because the man has ejaculated it does not mean he has finished his desire. When a man ejaculates and looses energy, use this time to pamper him more. He may turn quite due to an energy loss, but proceed in giving him pleasure, and no doubt you will earn so much love from him!

Is He Obliged To Respond To Your Call?: If you desire your husband for intimacy, the best way is by a physical touch; a kiss, a hug, a stroke, or an “accidental” exposure of flesh. Know your powers, an use them to get what you want. Every man melts at the sight of his wife dressed up desiring his intimacy. You can use this to get what you want from him. Instead of “Oi, take me to ….”, ask him politely, sit beside him, or on his lap, a gentle stroke on his arm, a soft kiss, and then asking him will have a huge impact on his decision. Men are weak, and only intelligent women know the real nature of this. Every man who has avoided women, who lowers his gaze, will naturally melt at even the slightest show put on by his wife. The shy look, the gentle stroke, the soft speech; all of this, if used effectively can melt your husband.  A man is sexually aroused by what he sees in front of him, hence why Islaam obliges a woman to cover up, and hence why a man is obliged to lower his gaze. So although the Angels do not curse him for not responding to your call for intimacy,  an intelligent woman knows how to bring her husband down on his knees!

Another thing which women need to understand is that a man will respond differently to intimacy depending on how the act is initiated and how it is carried out. Men, as said above, get excited by what they see. However if his eyes see the same thing again and again, it may be less effective in triggering his desires. A strawberry cake is delicious, but having a strawberry cake everyday desensitizes the taste buds and gets boring.

So even though a particular dress, or words worked perfectly in triggering your husband’s desires, do not use such techniques everyday, as with time, the effectiveness will fade away. So save such techniques and use them once in a while but do not have the duration between them so long that your husband desires it yet you fail to give it to him. If pink worked perfectly yesterday, save pink for next week, and always change. Purchase clothing which you have not purchased before, haya (shyness) is a perfect characteristic to have with non-mahrams, but having too much shyness even with one’s husband is not a good trait.

As said above, every man loves a woman who has a pinch of naughtiness in her, though not too much as this may lead shaytaan to whisper ill thoughts in him about you. So do not be shy in purchasing new glamorous clothing. If you desire intimacy with him before going to sleep, change in front of him, purchase sexier lingerie/nightwear, have two or three different pairs and ask him what he would like you to wear while undressing. While laying next to him, a gentle stroke on his circumcised organ can get him excited. There is nothing wrong with a woman ‘playing’ with her husband’s circumcised organ. The continuous strokes excite the man, and it is practically impossible for the man to refuse when he feels excitement and wants ‘more’.

There are many techniques which a woman can use to seduce her husband, and they all boil down to knowing a simple fact: men get excited by what they see and the use of physical contact (hugs, kisses, strokes etc.). Know this rule and you will be able to come up with many techniques.

In Conclusion: A man needs to be intimate to release the stress he has within him. Some women, however, unknowingly cause him more stress than he originally had. From among the ways which they do this are, delaying responding to his call, talking about things other than intimacy while the act, acting as if its just a chore from the other chores in your life, not showing him you enjoy it, rushing back to your chores straight after he ejaculates and finishes.

So instead try to do all the things which will make this an even more pleasurable act, such as, going to him as soon as he calls you without delay, speaking of how much you enjoy it with him, talking about it before and after the act, maybe even being specific about certain things which you loved, trying to get another round out of him after he ejaculates, and importantly, dressing and adorning yourself in a way that pleases his eyes. Indeed it is a beautiful characteristic for a woman to always be prepared for her husband every night.

Lastly, I say that if a man has an enjoyable sex life then he tends to overlook all the errors and mistakes his wife may make in other areas of their life, overlooking them with a smile on his face. Yet, if his sex life is a cause of stress, then no doubt he will start to see every negative trait in you, and magnify them to such a large scale.

Footnote:

(1) The Prophet (saw) said, “If a man calls his wife to bed and she refuses, and he becomes angry with her, the angels will curse her until morning.” [Bukhari / Muslim / Aboo Daawood / Ahmad] In another narration: “… until he is pleased with her.“ In yet a third narration: “… until he forgives her.” And in a fourth narration: “… until she goes back.” [Bukhaaree]

Greeting Your Husband When He Enters Home

Oh sister, know that you will neither obtain lofty mannerisms nor a healthy marital life until you greet your husband like the greeting of the most gracious of hostesses to their guests. Be keen in rushing to welcome your husband upon entering the home with a warm embrace [as this shows you were looking forward to see him and hence makes him feel loved].

Kiss him with love and respect, a kiss of affection and enthusiastic desire. For this will cause him to have a strong bond with you, and in turn he will come to recognize your rights over him.

[Taken from “20 Pieces Of Advice To My Sister Before Her Marriage”, p.40-41]

Welcoming Your Husband Home On His Arrival From Work

When a man comes home from work, he requires some peace of mind. Every man wishes to be embraced by his loving wife, as it helps relieve all the stress of work. And this is indeed form the sunnah of our Prophet and teacher (saw).

‘Aa’ishah (ra) said:

“A group of the Companions of the Prophet (saw) were waiting at the door for him, so he prepared to go out to meet them. There was a vessel of water in his house, and he peered into it, smoothing his beard and his hair.”

She then added:

“I asked him, ‘O Messenger of Allaah, even you do this?‘ He (saw) said, ‘Yes, when a man goes out to meet his brothers, let him prepare himself properly, for Allaah is beautiful and loves beauty.‘ ” [Reported in Tafseer of Qurtubee, 7/32]

So preparing oneself for the arrival of your husband not only eases his mind, but is something from the sunnah. Likewise the Prophet (saw) said to his companions:

“You are going to visit your brothers, so repair your saddles and make sure that you are dressed well…” [Ibn Al-Hanzaliyah, Aboo Daawood & Al-Haakim]

When a woman dresses in her nice clothes and warmly welcomes her husband home with a hug and a kiss, it helps the man to forget all the troubles he may have experienced in his work place. And indeed in this is a benefit for the wife, as now that his mind is at ease, it is more likely that he will treat you with love and compassion, rather than ordering you around to bring him his food or any other order.

Jundab Ibn Makeeth said:

“Whenever a delegation came to meet the Messenger of Allaah, he would wear his best clothes and order his leading Companions to do likewise…” [Ibn Sa’d in Tabaqaat]

Looking good, especially on first sight, makes the onlooker (in this case – the husband) appreciate your actions. It also increases his love for you as it makes him believe that you were anticipating his return. As it is only the lover who awaits her lover. It shows you have concern for him and this indeed puts ease in his heart and mind.

Advice To Husbands:

Ash-Sha’bee said:

“When the Prophet (saw) returned from Khaybar, Ja’far Ibn Abee Taalib came out to meet him, and the Prophet (saw) embraced him and kissed his forehead.” Another narration adds, “he embraced him warmly.” [Tabaqaat, 4/34]

In this is advice for the husband who returns from work to embrace his wife warmly. He should not ignore her or give her a cold shoulder.

Being An Obedient Wife

If you were to ponder you would realise that the reward for good (i.e you obeying your husband) is nothing but good (i.e, he will in return treat you good). So your obedience towards your husband leads to him being obedient to you in those things that you seek from him, because indeed a pure soul is accustomed to responding to good with good…

So it is incumbent upon you to obey your husband in al-ma’roof. And that which is apparent from the meaning of obedience is to act upon a command and to abstain from a prohibition. You should become as close to him as possible, by seeking to satisfy his wants and needs at all times.

Don’t wait for him to give you a command or to prohibit you from something.

Rather reflect on your days spent with him and on the things he loves and hates, and be quick to carry these things out. Let your actions precede his command and prohibition. For indeed this is a sign of your cleverness and dignity that you hasten towards good before he even commands it of you.

In addition to that, this obedience is something you have to be committed to and firm upon at all times. So if he were to command you with one thing or prohibit you from another thing, then do not wait for him to command you with the same thing each and every time. It is looked down upon by men of intellect that a man has to constantly reprimand his wife saying, do this and don’t do that.

If you know from your husband’s personality that he likes or dislikes a thing, don’t wait for him to command you and prohibit you, because this is from the things that lead to a husband becoming bored with his wife.

[Taken from “20 Pieces Of Advice To My Sister Before Her Marriage”, p. 26-27]

Physical Vs Emotional, Know What Your Spouse Wants!

As explained in the previous post, dressing good for your husband is a vital ingredient to keep the love going. A man’s desire is more physically driven and a woman’s desire is more emotionally driven. By physically driven we mean anything to do with his sense of sight and his sense of touch. These two senses in the man are his main drives which excite him. So if a wife can please the man through these two passages, she has indeed won his heart. By emotionally driven we mean pleasing the wife emotionally. I.e. speaking to her in a soft tone, caring for her, showing compassion and love towards her. Taking her thoughts into consideration, not ignoring her etc.

Many wives get up in the morning and do not do themselves up for their husbands, which causes many husbands to complain and maybe so, even seek the comfort of their eyes elsewhere, or even so, seek second wife. But in cases where getting a second wife is not possible, it may even lead to some men not lowering their gaze. As if you do not give your spouse their desire, yet are getting your desire, it could lead to psychological problems (for your spouse).

For example, we have said that a man’s desire is more physically driven, whereas a woman’s desire is more emotionally driven. So now if a man is always giving his wife her emotional desire (i.e, he talks sweet with her, jokes with her, plays with her, is kind and soft in his dealings and interactions with her etc), yet she does not fulfil his main desire (which is physical – i.e, looking pretty for him, touching him, marital relations, foreplay etc), then this psychologically effects the man.

And the same is said in the opposite scenario as well. So if a woman is always fulfilling her husbands physical desire (always dressing beautiful for him, touching him, embracing, kissing him etc), yet he does not take his wife’s emotional desire into consideration (i.e, he is very harsh and dry towards her) then this psychologically effects the woman.

So each and every man, if he wants his wife to give him more of his physical desire, has to do his part (which is fulfilling her emotional desire).

And likewise, each and every woman, if she wants her husband to give her more of her emotional desire, has to do hers part (which is fulfilling his physical desire).

Its that simple! You have to give in order to receive. The more you give your spouse their desire, the more they will give you your desire.

A man naturally responds to physical desire with emotional desire. And a woman naturally responds to emotional desire with physical desire.

If a man is satisfied with his physical desire he is receiving from his wife then it will prevent him from going to haraam. And likewise if a woman is satisfied with her emotional desire she is receiving from her husband then it will prevent her from going to haraam.

Don’t Forget To Smile

Some couples have such emotional dryness that it starts to drain all the love that ever was. Smiling is one of the easiest deeds, the most precious gift and costs absolutely nothing. The Prophet (saw) said:

“Do not think little of any good deed even if it is just greeting your brother with a cheerful face.” [Muslim]

And smiling at your spouse is no different. Imagine getting good deeds as well as increasing the love your spouse has for you? The Prophet (saw) said:

“Your smiling at your brother is an act of charity.” [Tirmidhee]

Don’t be too preoccupied and concerned with the needs of the materialistic life such that you extinguish your flame of human emotions and love.

‘Alee Ibn Abee Taalib said, “When two Muslims converse, Allaah will forgive the one who has the most cheerful face.”

Some women complain that they have rough husband. To them we narrate the saying of Anas Ibn Malik, where he said:

“I was walking with the messenger of Allah and he was wearing a Najraanee cloak with a stiff collar. A Bedouin came up to him and grabbed him roughly, and I looked at the Prophet’s shoulder and saw a mark left on his collar because of this rough approach.

Then the Bedouin said, ‘O Muhammad, order that I be given some of the wealth of Allaah that you have!‘ The Prophet (saw) turned to him and smiled, then ordered that he be given something.” [Bukhaaree & Muslim]

Here we see an example in the Prophet (saw) where he did not reciprocate bad character with bad character, yet he reciprocated with kindness. As Ibn al-Qayyim said:

“Whoever would love that Allaah reciprocates his evil with goodness, let him reciprocate the evil people do towards him with goodness.” [Miftaah Daaris-Sa’aadah, vol. 1, p. 292]

And we see that reciprocating bad character with bad character only increases in evil. As the one who started the bad behaviour may not have known that his attitude was bad. So when he sees you reciprocating with evil, he/she may increase in evil and bad character out of internal anger, or he/she may even start to have negative feelings towards you, which may have a bad consequence on you.

So even if you dislike someone, still show them love and smile at them. And this concept is found in the statement of Aboo Dardaa’, where he said:

“We smile at people even if in our hearts we are cursing them.” [Bukhaaree]

Keep Up The Love

During the early periods of marriage life, many spouses feel as if they are over the moon. Both, the wife and husband, feel as if they are on cloud nine. Yet as the months and years tick on, the love slowly and slowly fades away.

The husband stops calling her nice names, like sweetie-pie, honey, darling. He stops taking her feelings and emotions into consideration, and thinks, that because he is now married he does not need to tell her (or show her) how much he loves her, because “she already knows.”

And likewise, the wife stops dressing all glamorous for her husband. She stops taking her husbands physical desires into consideration, and thinks, that because she is now married she does not need to tell him (or show him) how much she loves him, because “he already knows.”

Another problem which arises is that both, the husband and wife, feel that there is no need to express their love as they already have numerous accounts of how they expressed their love to their spouse yesterday, or last week, or last month, or even last year!

Stop looking at what you done last time and look at every day as a new fresh day. What have you done today to please your spouse? Every day is a new day. Just because you (the husband) told your wife you love her, or sent her a gift or some flowers, that doesn’t mean that good deed lasts for the next few months! And likewise, just because you (the wife) were intimate with your husband last night, it doesn’t mean that satisfied him for the next few months!

Always revive the love by continuously fulfilling your spouses desire and always see what you can do today rather than what you done yesterday.

Know that the prophet (saw) said:

“Whoever meets his Muslim brother and makes him happy with something that Allaah likes, Allaah will make him happy on the Day of Resurrection.” [Tabaraanee]