Al-Qadee Abu Umiya married a woman, and when he entered upon her, he extended his hand to her forehead, and at that point she said:
“Hold on Abu Umiya. All praise belongs to Allaah, I praise Him, seek His aid, and I send prayers and peace upon Muhammad and those that follow him.
I am a strange woman to you. I don’t have any knowledge of your behaviour and mannerisms. So inform me of those things that you like so I can do them, and likewise tell me that which you dislike so I can avoid it.
It was possible for you to have married someone from your people, and likewise it was possible for me to marry someone from my people, but if Allaah decrees a mater then it is. So you have married, then do as Allaah commands you: “…either you retain her on reasonable terms or release her with kindness.” [2:229] I say this statement of mine and I seek Allaah’s forgiveness for me and you.”
So he (the husband) said, “So she moved me to a khutbah”. So he said:
“All praise belongs to Allaah, I praise Him, seek His aid, and I send prayers and peace upon Muhammad and those that follow him.
Indeed you have said words, that if you are firm upon them it will be your fortune, and if you leave them, they will be a proof against you. I love this and that; and I hate this and that. We are together, so don’t cause division between our families That which you see from good, spread it; and the bad you see, conceal it.”
So she said:
“There is something which I didn’t mention: Do you love that the family visits?”
“I don’t like that my sister-in-law’s husbands bore me.”
“Who from your neighbours do you like to enter your home, so I can give them permission? And who do you dislike, so I can prevent them from entering?”
“The children of so and so are pious people; and the children of so and so are evil.”
He then said:
“So I slept with blissful nights, and she lived with me for a year, and I didn’t see anything except that which I loved. At the beginning of the year I came from the judicial council, and when I arrived home, I saw an elderly woman giving orders around the house. So I said, “Who is this?” They said, “So and so, the woman who circumcised you.”
At that point I was no longer uneasy at her presence. So when I sat down, I faced toward the old woman. She said, “Assalaamu ‘alaykum yaa Abaa Umiya.” I said, “Wa ‘alaykum assalaam, who are you?” She said, “I’m the woman who circumcised you.” I said, “May Allaah make you close to Him.” She said, “What do you think about your wife?” I said, “She is a good wife.” So she said to me, “Ya Abaa Umiya, there are two conditions in which a woman is not worse than her: if she gives birth to a boy or is loved by her husband. So if a doubt comes to you, than it is upon you to discipline her. By Allaah, men have not removed a greater evil from their homes than a disrespectful women.”
So I said, “By Allaah, she has good manners, and is pleased with what she has been given.” She said, “Would you like for your two sisters to visit you?” I said, “Whenever they like.” “
He (the husband) then said:
“So she would visit me at the beginning of each year, advising me with this advice. So she (my wife) lived with me 20 years, and I didn’t criticize her over anything.”
[Al-‘Aqd Al-Fareed, 6/93-94]
This story exemplifies how many married couples should be the night of their marriage, each spouse informs the other about those things they like and dislike.