The Power of Three Little Words

Written By Emma Shuaidi

Some of the most significant messages people deliver to one another often come in just three words. When spoken or conveyed, those statements have the power to forge new friendships, deepen old ones and restore relationships that have cooled. The following three-word phrases can enrich every relationship.

I’LL BE THERE – Being there for another person is the greatest gift we can give. When we are truly present for other people, important things happen to them and to us. We are renewed in love and friendship. We are restored emotionally and spiritually. ‘Being there’ is at the very core of civility.

I MISS YOU – Perhaps more marriages could be salvaged and strengthened if couples simply and sincerely said to each other, “I miss you.” This powerful affirmation tells partners they are wanted, needed, desired and loved.

I RESPECT YOU – Respect is another way of showing love. Respect conveys the feeling that another person is a true equal. It is a powerful way to affirm the importance of a relationship.

MAYBE YOU’RE RIGHT – This phrase is highly effective in diffusing an argument and restoring frayed emotions. The flip side of “maybe you’re right” is the humility of admitting “maybe I’m wrong.“

PLEASE FORGIVE ME – Many broken relationships could be restored and healed if people would admit their mistakes and ask for forgiveness. All of us are vulnerable to faults, foibles and failures. A man should never be ashamed to own he has been in the wrong, which is but saying, in other words, that he is wiser today than he was yesterday.

I THANK YOU – Gratitude is an exquisite form of courtesy. People who enjoy the companionship of good, close friends are those who don’t take daily courtesies for granted. They are quick to thank their friends for their many expressions of kindness. On the other hand, people whose circle of friends is severely constricted often do not have the attitude of gratitude.

Poison Your Mother-In-Law With…

A long time ago, a girl named Li-Li got married and went to live with her husband and mother-in-law.In a very short time, Li-Li found that she couldn’t get along with her mother-in-law at all.

Their personalities were very different, and Li-Li was angered by many of her mother-in-law’s habits. In addition, she criticized Li-Li constantly.

Days passed days, and weeks passed weeks. Li-Li and her mother-in-law never stopped arguing and fighting. But what made the situation even worse was that, according to ancient Chinese tradition, Li-Li had to bow to her mother-in-law and obey her every wish.

All the anger and unhappiness in the house was causing the poor husband great distress. Finally, Li-Li could not stand her mother-in-law’s bad temper and dictatorship any longer, and she decided to do something about it.

Li-Li went to see her father’s good friend, Mr. Huang, who sold herbs. She told him the situation and asked if he would give her some poison so that she could solve the problem once and for all. Mr. Huang thought for a while, and finally said, Li-Li, I will help you solve your problem, but you must listen to me and obey what I tell you. Li-Li said, “Yes, Mr. Huang, I will do whatever you tell me to do.“

Mr.Huang went into the back room, and returned in a few minutes with a package of herbs.

He told Li-Li, “You can’t use a quick-acting poison to get rid of your mother-in-law, because that would cause people to become suspicious. Therefore, I have given you a number of herbs that will slowly build up poison in her body. Every other day prepare some delicious meal and put a little of these herbs in her serving. Now, in order to make sure that nobody suspects you when she dies, you must be very careful to act very friendly towards her. Don’t argue with her, obey her every wish, and treat her like a queen.“

Li-Li was so happy. She thanked Mr. Huang and hurried home to start her plot of murdering her mother-in-law.

Brief Encounter On Facebook Leads To Love

Q) I have male friends on facebook, and for a number of months I have been talking to a male friend and we have fallen in love. We haven’t met in person but have contemplated it. I feel bad but I feel so attached to him. Am I sinning? What do I do?

A) Thank you for the question. You mentioned that you have some male friends on facebook, and that you formed a relationship with a male friend and that relationship has transformed to loving that person. You also mentioned that you have contemplated meeting that person and you feel bad and do not know what to do.

First and foremost, we should know that there are certain etiquettes all Muslims have to adhere to when engaging with the opposite sex on facebook, forums etc. Among the manners are: When talking or writing there must not be any flirtation. Exchanging photos of each other should be completely avoided unless it was for the reasons of marriage and with the consent of one’s parents or guardians. Talking in private chat rooms etc should be avoided.

Secondly, falling in love is natural. Allah said in regards to the relationship between the husband and wife that He, ‘ordained between you love and mercy’ (30:21). Therefore, falling in love is not a sin because in shari’ah ‘whatever feelings overcome one’s heart without his or her choice, then no sin is deemed to have been committed. Indeed, feelings of love and hate which overcome one’s emotions inadvertently are not considered sins,unless they drive that person to act upon those feelings in an unlawful manner.

Allah (jallah thana uh) said in the Holy Quran: “Allah does not overburden a soul with what it cannot bear” (2:286).

The Prophet Mohammed (peace be upon him) stated in the authentic Hadith: “Allah Almighty has forgiven for my Ummha what they have concealed in their hearts, unless they act accordingly or speak aloud”.  (Bukhari, Muslim)

However, a man and woman must not indulge in any acts which would cause such emotions to overcome their hearts, as this may lead to sinful acts being committed’. (excerpts taken from an ECFR fatwa)

He Told Her A Lie About His Parents And She Is Asking Him For Khula‘

QUESTION: If a man tells a lie to his wife, is that a valid reason for her to ask for khula‘? I lied to my wife before we got married by telling her that my parents were dead, when that was not the case.

ANSWER: Praise be to Allaah.

There is no doubt that lying is one of the vilest of attributes and it is the key to all evil and is a weak foundation for the one who wants to build a household and establish a Muslim family.

It was narrated that ‘Abd-Allah ibn Mas‘ood (may Allah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “I enjoin you to be truthful, for truthfulness leads to righteousness and righteousness leads to Paradise. A man may continue to tell the truth and endeavour to be truthful until he is recorded with Allaah as a speaker of truth. And beware of lying, for lying leads to wickedness and wickedness leads to Hell. A man may continue to tell lies and endeavour to tell lies, until he is recorded with Allaah as a liar.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (6094) and Muslim (2607).

But that mistake that the husband made on its own is not a justification or sufficient reason for the woman to try to break up her family by seeking divorce (talaaq) or khula‘, if there is no convincing legitimate shar‘i, rational, health or social reason for that, so long as the wife cannot see any fault in her husband’s attitude or religious commitment or his treatment of her. There may have been a reason why he committed this error. What he should do now is admit his mistake and admit that his deed was serious and wrong.

If he sets things straight with his wife and is good in his religious commitment and his treatment of her, then the wife should not take that as an excuse to break up her family, especially as she has nothing to gain from his parents being dead and will not be harmed if they are alive. All there is to be said is that she does not have to live with them or live in their house, and the matter is settled.

According to the hadeeth of Thawbaan (may Allah be pleased with him), the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “Any woman who asks her husband for a divorce when there is no problem, the fragrance of Paradise will be forbidden to her.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, no. 1187; he said: This is a hasan hadeeth.

Al-Mannaawi (may Allah have mercy on him) said:

Ba’s (translated above as problem) means hardship, i.e., when there is no case of hardship which would prompt her to separate from him, such as if she is afraid that she cannot adhere to the sacred limits of Allah with regard to what is enjoined upon her of good companionship and kind treatment because she dislikes him, or if he is harming her in such a way that she should seek separation from him by khula‘.

“will be forbidden to her” means that the fragrance of Paradise will be denied to her.

End quote.

Choosing A Spouse (Who The Brother Chooses)

This my dear brothers and sisters is the most integral part of marriage. The brother has to choose a sister and the sister has to choose a brother. So what happens usually?

The brother sees a sister on the street and says “Wooooooow”. And trust me that is not because of her piety but rather her measurements . Then he proceeds to speak to the sister under the pretense that he is giving da’wah. When in reality he has a certain motive. Unfortunately, when the sister is giving him problems he wonders why.

And the sister sees someone Kaafir or otherwise and ‘falls in love’. Rather it should be called falling in lust. And then under the pretense of giving da’wah she proceeds to make him take a Shahadah in order to marry her. But what happens after that? Problems after problems. And again she wonders why.

What is the guidance of Allah and his Messenger in terms of this matter?

Allah has said: “And marry the righteous men and women amongst you”.

This is general. And it shows that the priority is righteousness.

The Prophet (Salallahu alaihi wa sallam) said: “Look for the one with the religion, or may Allah fill your hands with dust”.

This is from the Hadeeth: Women are married for four things. Her wealth, her beauty, her status and her religion. And what was the advice of the Messenger (Salallahu alaihi wa sallam)?

Did he say look for a supermodel with good measurements? Nope. And brother if that is all you are looking for may your hands be filled with dust.

Did he say look for a sister who is rich? Or a sister who has a big family?

No he didn’t . He said to look for the one with the religion. As for the one who doesn’t make the religion his priority then he would be setting himself up for disaster. Why is that?

This is because the pious women have certain characteristics:

1) They fear Allah ta’ala in secret and in the open. Hence they would wear proper Hijaab outside, they would not go outside the house often, they would not flirt with men or enter them into her husband’s house. Most importantly they would not speak about your business but rather that would remain within the house.

2) They would be more willing to give their husband’s his rights. Mainly that of being obedient to him.

Fundamentals Of A Happy Marriage

Faith: The most basic and essential attribute of a Muslim marriage is the common faith that binds the couple.

Since Islam is a way of life and not just a religion confined to weekly worship it becomes an integral part of a Muslim’s life. The frame of reference shared by the couple eases communication and sharing of values which is not possible in an interfaith marriage. It is highly recommended that faith play an important role in the developing a loving relationship.

For example, as the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said, that when a husband feeds his wife, he gets a reward for this act and Allah increases the bond of love between them. So when we love each other for the sake of Allah WE ACTUALLY INCREASE OUR FAITH.

Forgiving: When the Prophet Muhammad asked his Companions ‘do you wish that Allah should forgive you’ they said, of course O Prophet of Allah. He responded, ‘then forgive each other’.

One of the main components of a happy marriage is that the spouses are able to forgive, that they do not hold grudges or act judgmental towards each other. It is expected that when we live with someone, situations may arise when we end up saying or doing things that hurt our spouses. The challenge is not to dwell on it or lay blame but to move past it. This can only happen if we are not too proud to ask for forgiveness and we are not stingy to forgive.

If we expect Allah to forgive us than we must learn to forgive.

Forget: When we constantly remind our spouses of all the times they let us down or hurt us we have not truly forgiven. Things that happened in the past must be left there and not be used as fresh ammunition in new situations. Couples who use this technique usually fall in a rut and become victims of their own pettiness, unable to break free.

Forbearance: Sabr (patience) is the most useful tool to have in managing a healthy lifestyle. Being patient and forbearing puts us in a proactive frame of mind it brings us closer to Allah through Tawakul and reliance .We develop an inner mechanism that empowers us to handle life’s difficult moments. As Allah states in Surah al-Asr: “Surely by time humans are at loss, except those who believe and do righteous deeds and counsel each other to the truth and counsel each other to Sabr’ (Quran, chapter 103).

Flexible: Many couples unnecessarily make themselves miserable because they are unwilling to bend a little.

A Wife Can Be A Source Of Reward!

Ibn Mas’ood (ra) related that the Prophet (saw) said; “When a man spends on his family seeking the reward for that from Allaah, then it is charity on his behalf.” [Saheeh Bukhaari]

Sa’d Ibn Abee Waqaas (ra) related that Allaah’s Messenger said; “Indeed, whenever you spend seeking Allaah’s Countenance for doing so, you will be rewarded for it – even for what (i.e., the food) you put in the mouth of your wife.” [Saheeh Bukhaari]

Abu Dharr related that Allaah’s Messenger said; “In the private part of each of you there is charity.“

The companions asked; “O Messenger Of Allaah, does one of us fulfil his (sexual) desire (i.e., have sexual relations with his wife) and still get rewarded?!“

He said; “Yes, do you not see that if one were to use it for haraam (i.e., if one was to have sexual relations with a woman other than his wife) – there would be a sin upon him? And similar is the case of the one who uses it for halaal (purposes)! He has his reward!” [Saheeh Muslim]

Do Parents Have A Right To Choose Their Child’s Marriage Partner?

Praise be to Allaah.

The basic principle is that one of the conditions of marriage is the consent of both parties, because of the hadeeth of Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) which says that the Prophet SAW said: “A virgin cannot be married until her consent has been sought and a previously-married woman cannot be married until she has been consulted.” They said, “O Messenger of Allaah, what is her consent?” He said, “If she remains silent.” [Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5136; Muslim, 1419]

Consent is essential in the case of the husband, and also in the case of the wife. The parents have no right to force their son or their daughter to marry someone they do not want.

But if the person whom the parents have chosen is righteous, then the child, whether male or female, should obey the parents in that, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “If there comes to you one with whose religious commitment and character you are pleased, then marry (your daughter) to him.” [Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1084; Ibn Maajah, 1967. Classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi, 865]

One Apple Leads To His Marriage. A Beautiful Story!

One of our pious predecessors, Thabit Bin Nu’man, was hungry and tired as he was passing through a garden that bordered a river. He was so hungry that he could hear his stomach growling, and so his eyes became fixed on the fruits he saw on the various trees of the garden. In a fit of desperation, he forgot himself and extended his hand to an apple that was within reach. He ate half of it and then drank water from the river. But then he became overcome with guilt, despite the fact that he had only eaten because of dire need.

He said to himself, “Woe unto me! How can I eat someone else’s fruits without his permission? I make it binding upon myself not to leave this place until I find the owner of this garden and ask him to forgive me for having eaten one of his apples.“

After a brief search, he found the owner’s house. He knocked on the door and the owner of the garden came out and asked him what he wanted.

Thabit Bin Nu’man said, “I entered your garden that borders the river, and I took this apple and ate half of it. Then I remembered it does not belong to me, and so I ask you now to excuse me for having eaten it and to forgive me for my mistake.“

The man said, “On one condition only I will forgive you for your mistake.“

Thabit Bin Nu’man asked, “And what is that condition?“

He said, “That you marry my daughter.“

Thabit Bin Nu’man said, “I will marry her.“

The man said, “But heed you this; indeed my daughter is blind, she does not see; mute, she does not speak;deaf, she does not hear.“

Thabit Bin Nu’man began to ponder over his situation; a difficult predicament indeed did he find himself in now; what should he do? Not get out of it, thought Thabit, for he realised that to be tested by such a woman, to take care of her, and to serve her, are all better than to eat from the foul matter of the Hellfire as a reward for the apple that he ate. And after all, the days of this world are limited.

The Husband’s Rights Over His Wife

The rights of the husband over his wife are among the greatest rights; indeed his rights over her are greater than her rights over him, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect) to what is reasonable, but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them.” [al-Baqarah 2:228]

al-Jassaas said: “Allaah tells us in this aayah that each of the spouses has rights over the other, and that the husband has one particular right over his wife which she does not have over him.“

Ibn al-‘Arabi said: “This text states that he has some preference over her with regard to rights and duties of marriage.“

These rights include:

(a) The Obligation Of Obedience

Allaah has made the man a qawwaam (protector and maintainer) of the woman by commanding, directing and taking care of her, just as guardians take care of their charges, by virtue of the physical and mental faculties that Allaah has given only to men and the financial obligations that He has enjoined upon them. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allaah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means” [al-Nisaa’ 4:34]

‘Ali ibn Abi Talhah said, narrating from Ibn ‘Abbaas: “Men are the protectors and maintainers of women” means, “they are in charge of them, i.e., she should obey him in matters of obedience that Allaah has enjoined upon her, and obey him by treating his family well and taking care of his wealth.” This was the view of Muqaatil, al-Saddi and al-Dahhaak.(Tafseer Ibn Katheer, 1/492)