Polygamy: The Balanced Way

“For an individual to be restricted in the number of women which he can marry is a matter that will lead to disorder, oppression and incapability to fulfil the rights of the wives.

However, the limiting of the man to one wife (only) can potentially result in evil and the fulfilment of lust through prohibited avenues.

The Legislator (Allaah) has therefore made multiplicity of wives (up to four) permissible for mankind. This is permissible for the one who is able to establish equity and fairness (among them), by fulfilling their rights and that he may fulfil his need to have more than one.”

[A Concise Manual Of Marriage, by Ibn ‘Uthaymeen p. 37]

Stipulating Conditions In A Marriage Contract, By Ibn Qudaamah

Ibn Qudaamah said:

“If he married her on the condition that he should not make her move from her house or her city, then this condition is valid because it was reported that the Prophet (saw) said: “The most worthy of conditions to be fulfilled are those which make sexual intercourse become allowable for you.” [Bukhari & Muslim] If he marries her on the stipulation that he will not marry another wife, then she has the right to leave him if he takes another wife.

In conclusion, the conditions of the marriage contract are separated into three categories, one of which must be adhered to and is of advantage to the wife; such as her being able to stipulate that he cannot make her move from her house or city or travel with him or take another wife or a right-hand possession.

He has to adhere to these conditions, and if he does not, she has the right to terminate the marriage.”

[Al-Mughnee, 7/?]

The Benefits Of Polygamy, By Ibn ‘Uthaymeen

1) He may have a need in some cases. For instance, the wife may be  very old or sick or if he restricts himself with her only, he may not be able to keep himself chaste. And if she has children from him and he keeps her, he will fear difficulty for himself by abandoning the marriage or perhaps he fears committing adultery and if he divorces her, she would then be separated from her children. Thus, this problem is not solved except by polygamy.

2) That marriage is a cause of strengthening ties of relations between people, thus Allaah (swt) has made it a co-partner to lineage [25:54]. Hence, plural marriages help too create bonds between many families connecting them to one another and this is one of the (many) reasons which prompted the Prophet (saw) to marry a number of women.

3) It results in protecting a large number of women, establishing their needs with regards to maintenance, housing, many children and an increased progeny; and this is a matter required by the All-Wise Lawmaker (Allaah).

4) There are some men who possess strong desire and one (woman) may not be enough, fearing adultery, he protects his chastity. At the same time, he wishes to fulfil his sexual needs by permissible enjoyment.

Hence it is from the mercy of Allaah (swt) that He permitted for His creation plurality in a safe and sound way.

[A Concise Manual Of Marriage, by Ibn ‘Uthaymeen, pp. 38-40]

Two Beautiful Incidents From The Married Life Of The Prophet (saw)

Incident One:

‘Aa’ishah said:

“Once Sawdah visited us and the prophet (saw) sat down between me and her, one leg in her lap the other in mine. I made Khazeera (a dish of brain in meat broth) and told her to eat. She refused, I said, ‘If you will not eat I will stain your face with Khazeera.’ She insisted on not eating therefore I put my hand in Khazeera and painted her face. Seeing that, the Prophet (saw) laughed and gave his share in Khazeera to Sawdah and told her to stain my face. Sawdah stained my face and the Prophet (saw) laughed.” [An-Nisaa’ee]

Notice how (a) co-wives cooked for each other, (b) the Prophet (saw) physically sat in such a way that neither wife would feel ignored or preferred over the other, (c) the Prophet (saw) laughed constantly to ensure the situation remained light and no one took it seriously.

Incident Two:

The mother of the believers, Safiyah Bint Huyay said:

“The Messenger of Allaah (saw) went to hajj with his wives. On the way, my camel knelt down as it was the weakest among all other camels, and so I wept. The Prophet (saw) came to me and wiped away my tears with his dress and hands. The more he asked me not to weep, the more I went on weeping.” [Ahmad]

Notice how he (saw) was the epitome of a caring and loving husband, coming to his wife on seeing her upset, wiping away her tears of sorrow and insisting that she stop weeping. You have to keep in mins that he had all his wives with him during this journey, yet he became alert when one of them was hurt. He did not ignore her nor did he brusquely tell her to stop crying to save face before the crowd. He showed concern and love for her publicly.

Advice For Husbands Who Are Polygamous

It is nothing new for your co-wives to argue and fight with one another. Upon you is to make each one feel as if she alone is the special one, the sweetest one, and the most beautiful one. And there is no harm in you lying in this regard. As the Prophet (saw) said:

“Lying is permissible only in three cases.” And one of them he mentioned was: “A husband (lying) in order to please his wife.“

So let each one of your wives feel as if they are the one who you love the most. Backbiting is indeed impermissible, so saying words like, “Honey, you do know I love you more than Faatimah and Safiyyah right?” Or when she does something which pleases you, say how she is the only one who can please you like that. And use your imagination, however make it sound as realistic as possible (I hope no sisters are reading this, lol).

When your wives are arguing with one another, it is upon you to bring about peace between the two of them. Allaah says:

“If two parties among the believers fall into quarrel, make peace between them…” [49:9]

Furthermore, the Prophet (saw) himself used to strive to reconcile between conflicting parties, regardless of how busy he was with the heavy duties of da’wah.

It is upon you, o husband to give equal share to each wife. And when/if you do take them out together, or if you are in a scenario when both of them are present with you, you should follow the guidance of the prophet (saw) and give each one a equal share of your time and happiness. One of the Companions described the Prophet saying:

“The Prophet (saw) used to give an equal share of his attention to each person present, so that no one would feel that preference was being given to anybody.” [Hayaat As-Sahaabah, 1/23]

Showing unequal love (or share of attention) to your co-wives (when they are both present with you) is something which you need to control. Don’t give sweet talk to one and give a cold shoulder to the other, as this only has bed consequences. Among which are:

1) It will add hatred to your wife’s heart for her other wife (who is receiving more love).

2) Due to this, she will feel left out and hence her sadness will be manifest by her not showing enough love to you, as she will feel there is no point as you obviously don’t love her as much as you do with her co-wife.

3) She may get envious of her co-wife which is a sin.

4) When problems between your co-wives comes to surface, you will be the one who will be stuck in the middle and who will have to sort it out.

So know, O husbands, that showing unbalanced love has great consequences.

Why Do You Fear Going Polygamous?

Many women fear polygamy, and believe that if their husbands get another wife, it means that the does not love her anymore. This is not always the case. However if a wife believes this to be the case, she needs to ponder over those early moments in their marriage and see what good qualities she had then which she may be lacking in now.

Indeed in the early days of Islaam, polygamy was something normal, and no one objected to this act. The Prophet (saw) had a total of 9 wives, and ‘Umar Ibn Al-Khattaab, during his life as a Muslim, had a total of 12 wives (of course taking four at a time).

In this world there are more women than men, and if every man gets one wife then there will be no one to look after the ‘left over’ women who can find no husbands. Islaam teaches us to take other people’s emotions and feelings into consideration. The prophet (saw) said:

“None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.” [Bukhaaree & Muslim]

And truly, if every woman asks herself with sincerity, she would not like to be that woman who lives on her own (without a husband) for the rest of her life. Every woman needs a man in her life to look after her, care for her, cherish her, and make her feel loved and special.

If such is the case then a sister would not mind sharing her husband out of love for her sister in Islaam. And this attitude can be clearly seen by the actions of Umm Habeebah:

Umm Habeebah said: “O Messenger of Allaah (saw), marry my sister, the daughter of Aboo Sufyaan.” The Prophet (saw) said, “Would you like that?” She said, “Yes, I am your only wife, and I wish for my sister to share in this goodness.” [Bukhaaree]

These are our Salaf. These are our examples, about whom Allaah has ordered us to tread upon their path.

Co-Wife’s Hating One Another

This is a common problem between co-wives. Jealousy is one thing, but envy is something evil. The Prophet (saw) said:

“Faith and envy do not go together in the heart of the servant.” [Ibn Hibbaan]

If the first wife has something which the second wife doesn’t possess, this should not cause the second wife to have hatred towards the first. And if one wife sees that her other co-wives are hating her then this means that she has something which the other wives do not possess, hence why they are ‘ganging up’ upon her.

This is clearly seen in the narration of Umm Roomaan (the mother of ‘Aa’ishah) where she said to ‘Aa’ishah:

“O my beloved daughter! Do not worry yourself. By Allaah, there is never a charming woman with co-wives, who is loved by her husband except that they gang up on her.” [Bukhaaree]

So if one of your co-wives is hating you, then now it is only because she sees that you have something which pleases your husband which she doesn’t have. So why sadden? Be pleased that your husband’s love for you is manifest such that he cannot control but let it out even when you are not in his presence!

And if your co-wife possess something which you don’t have and suddenly she looses it (whether its good looks, a nice dress, cooking skills etc.), then do not be happy at her misfortune. The Prophet (saw) said:

“Do not express malicious joy at the misfortune of your brother, for Allaah will have mercy on him and inflict misfortune on you.” [Tirmidhee]

So beware of having joy at the misfortune of your co-wife. If your husband divorces her or mistress her, don’t express happiness, as it may be that Allaah will have mercy upon her and inflict you with something similar.

Furthermore, if your co-wives fight and argue with your husband, it is upon you to reconcile between the two of them rather than add fuel to the fire. Allaah says:

“If two parties among the believers fall into quarrel, make peace between them…” [49:9]

However, this bringing about of reconciliation requires wisdom and deliberation. Love for your sister what you love for yourself.

When fighting or arguing with your co-wife, don’t go down to her level if she constantly argues with you. The noble one is she who can forgive and overlook. The best way to react with evil character is not to reciprocate with evil, but to have noble manners.

Ibn al-Qayyim said:

“Whoever would love that Allaah reciprocates his evil with goodness, let him reciprocate the evil people do towards him with goodness.” [Miftaah Daaris-Sa’aadah, vol. 1, p. 292]

Advising Your Co-Wife When Needed

Many co-wives, when they see something that they know is unpleasant in her (in the eyes of their husband) don’t tell her and tend to use this as a bait to draw in her husband towards herself and away from her co-wife. For example if wife 1 has a bad characteristic which their husband doesn’t like, wife 2 (even though she knows about it) will not tell wife 1 words to the effect of, “You have such and such in you (i.e, you always cook rice), our husband doesn’t like this.”

Not giving advice to your co-wife is a defect which stems from low eemaan (faith). The prophet (saw) said:

“The religion is sincerity.” [Bukhaaree & Muslim]

He (saw) also said:

“The rights of the Muslim over his brother are five… when he seeks your advice, advise him…” [Bukhaaree & Muslim]

Many co-wives think that if she does not seek her advice, she is not obliged to give it. This is indeed false, as the Prophet (saw) said:

“The believer is the mirror of his brother, if he sees any fault in him, he corrects it.” [Al-Adab Al-Mufrad]

So co-wives are obliged to help one another out in informing each other of any defects found in them.

Does He Have To Tell His Second Wife That He Is Married?

QUESTION: I married a foreign woman after she became Muslim in a shar‘i marriage in accordance with the laws of Allah and the Sunnah of His Messenger, and I concealed from her the fact that I was married before. Is my marriage legitimate or do I have to tell her that I am married and that she is the second wife? Please note that I concealed this matter from her because the country in which we live does not allow plural marriage.

ANSWER: Praise be to Allaah.

It is not obligatory for the husband to tell the second wife that he is already married and this does not affect the validity of his marriage to her. So long as the marriage contract fulfilled the necessary requirements and conditions, then it is valid.

Shaykh Ibn Jibreen (may Allah preserve him) was asked:

Is it essential for the marriage to be valid that a man should inform the woman he wants to marry that he is married to another one, if he is not asked about that? Are there any consequences if he denies it if he is asked?

He replied:

The man is not obliged to tell the woman or her family that he is married if they do not ask him, but that cannot usually be hidden because marriage is not usually done except after a period of enquiring and asking about each of the two partners and verifying that they are suitable. But it is not permissible to conceal any facts, and if either party tells a lie and the other party acts on the basis of it, then there is the option of cancelling it. If he says that he is not married and is lying about that, then the woman has the option of annulling the marriage. If they say that she was a virgin when she is not, then he has the option of going ahead with the marriage or cancelling it.

Fataawa Islamiyyah, 3/129.

IslamQ&A

Choosing A Spouse (Who The Brother Chooses)

This my dear brothers and sisters is the most integral part of marriage. The brother has to choose a sister and the sister has to choose a brother. So what happens usually?

The brother sees a sister on the street and says “Wooooooow”. And trust me that is not because of her piety but rather her measurements . Then he proceeds to speak to the sister under the pretense that he is giving da’wah. When in reality he has a certain motive. Unfortunately, when the sister is giving him problems he wonders why.

And the sister sees someone Kaafir or otherwise and ‘falls in love’. Rather it should be called falling in lust. And then under the pretense of giving da’wah she proceeds to make him take a Shahadah in order to marry her. But what happens after that? Problems after problems. And again she wonders why.

What is the guidance of Allah and his Messenger in terms of this matter?

Allah has said: “And marry the righteous men and women amongst you”.

This is general. And it shows that the priority is righteousness.

The Prophet (Salallahu alaihi wa sallam) said: “Look for the one with the religion, or may Allah fill your hands with dust”.

This is from the Hadeeth: Women are married for four things. Her wealth, her beauty, her status and her religion. And what was the advice of the Messenger (Salallahu alaihi wa sallam)?

Did he say look for a supermodel with good measurements? Nope. And brother if that is all you are looking for may your hands be filled with dust.

Did he say look for a sister who is rich? Or a sister who has a big family?

No he didn’t . He said to look for the one with the religion. As for the one who doesn’t make the religion his priority then he would be setting himself up for disaster. Why is that?

This is because the pious women have certain characteristics:

1) They fear Allah ta’ala in secret and in the open. Hence they would wear proper Hijaab outside, they would not go outside the house often, they would not flirt with men or enter them into her husband’s house. Most importantly they would not speak about your business but rather that would remain within the house.

2) They would be more willing to give their husband’s his rights. Mainly that of being obedient to him.